Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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