I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
