Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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