just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE