You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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