i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
