Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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