Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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