He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Someone signed my nipple.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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