he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
