my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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