oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
