someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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