that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
