The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A+ Viking dick
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
