my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
