i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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