Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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