You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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