a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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