I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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