I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
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