Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
