we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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