Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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