why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
