We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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