Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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