Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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