I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.