You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.