Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.