I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
