she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
