I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
