I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
