my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
