**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
