im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Congratulations! We have a period
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
