Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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