Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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