found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
