Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
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You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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