Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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