Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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