Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
