trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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