if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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