The maid of honor just puked.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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