so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
