the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
