Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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