You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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