i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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