So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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