New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize