I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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