Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
