you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
